Life Update (5/15/13)

Number Anxiety
Well...I made it! I survived my first two years of college with making ALL A’s...and one B (that I don’t wanna talk about. haha) I overcame one of the biggest demons that oppressed me into believing that I was stupid, Mathematics. To pass high school I had to be in Special Ed. Math classes because they taught me at an understandable speed, since then I have passed complex math courses like Probability & Statistics and College Algebra/ Pre-Calculus. I’m feeling really good about my ability to overcome the things that bind me in this world. Although there are those things that still do bind me on a daily basis.

Breakup history
If you do not know me well I’ve only had one serious girlfriend and that lasted seven years until a little over two years ago; Rachel later married “the man of her dreams.” I wasn’t him, I didn’t control her and shatter her things; I’m not a monster. Those that remember us being together said we were inseparable. We were living one of them lost love stories that you see old people living out as they watch their significant other slowly pass away. Well, I thought it was perfect til one day I woke up and realized that the relationships we spend years building in this world can be burnt to the ground in a matter of seconds. Now I’m left here holding the ashes of the past, caring about the well-being of this person that no longer cares about me.

Nice guys don’t finish at all
Nice guys finish last, well that’s the understatement of the year, and from my point-of-view nice guys don’t finish at all. They settle if they want a relationship because the people they try so hard to be with don’t think they are good enough. I have rebuilt myself back up into the person I want to be. I feel like I have greater confidence and I have control of my future, but no one likes me back. Sound like a lifelong curse. Everyone that wants to date me is not my type and everyone I want to date wants me to stay in the friend zone. I really can do all of this alone I just wish I had someone to share this with, that’s all. To many of my friends I came out as bisexual, to help increase my chances of happiness, but that didn’t work.haha I’ve met some nice gay people like my good friend, Zach, but many gay people are just like everyone else. They play that game in their head were they think they are better than everyone else. I don’t like it. Most people are evil and I just play as a mute drone in their society.

The good news...
Life has laid out a path for me and I’m going to follow it. I opened up a heavy letter in the mail from MTSU and it was a six thousand dollar scholarship, yesterday I opened up another letter and it was a five hundred dollar scholarship to pay for books. Someone that has an influence on this universe is trying to tell me something. I have worked hard for things like this, but these things have never been rewarded to me before. The second thing I want to mention is that my novel, Cinder Fingers, which was finished in 2009 is finally going to get published this year of 2013- included with revisions and pictures that weren’t possible a few years back. I have a very good friend working on the project with me. Now that I have a physical copy of the novel it is easier for me (and her) to make revisions on it before it is sent off. It is going to be published through a company under Amazon called Createspace. This will be the first edition of the book and will be soft cover only and no color print. The book can be later picked up by a publishing house in the future. This book will be pretty cheap and I hope everyone interested picks up a copy.

Fun in the sun
I am not looking for a job this summer. Many things have to get done, although I may find a job in Murfreesboro once I get settled in with the area. First, with my Sony handycam I got for Christmas I am going to start a professional youtube channel that rates media like video games and albums, and also make creative and informal videos. Second, I am going to get tanned and toned (I know this sounds like Jersey shore.) If anyone wants to start working out or walking/jogging this summer hit me up. I need to lose about forty pounds. Third, I am going to keep writing while editing Cinder Fingers and I will be working on chapters of my new circus novel and be putting out new creative writings all the time online. If you didn’t get a chance to read my three writings that were published in The Mosaic (a literary magazine done through Motlow), here is a link (http://www.mscc.edu/themosaic/MosaicFall2012.pdf). Thank you to those who took the time and read all of this. It makes me happy.                                                                                                                                                                                                          

                                       ~Brandon Ðefiance

(We do not own the rights to the images above. Rights reserved to their original owners.)

Ghost-like Heart

Ghost-like Heart

Pull the shredded curtains back on this regretful past.
When I was dying inside you made this hollow boy laugh. 
You gave me something to believe in when I hated my true self.
So I’m left with your smiling pictures and these self-inflicted welts...

So smile at me like you care. Stare and remember what we shared.
You’re a female (so complex.) I loved you more but you loved sex.

And you would have loved her, this mother fucker, but she’s already the ghost inside my head.
........you would have loved her, this mother fucker, but she’s already the ghost inside my head.

I took that picture down to no longer look up at your face. For once I bury your memories in the ground, I’ll plant a flower in your place. And when it blooms to fruition I hope you feel like a disgrace as you watch me trample on the gardens we grew on those wishful days.  

I really wish you well- at your matrimony in the fires of hell, you succubus...You destroyed ‘US.’
And if an angel appears to save you. No, it won’t be me! I did my time! The rapture will take you- for all eternity...
I really wish you well- at your matrimony in the fires of hell, you succubus...You destroyed ‘US.’
Locked inside ‘what could have been’, your eyes couldn’t see. Alone, my feelings couldn’t stop you, from scraping down my heart like a harpy...like a harpy...like a harpy.

Laying in my deathbed while my broken mind reflects. I hope you never resurrect, you perfect human wretch. Pulling on my heartstrings like this was a childish game. I lost the natural will to live, but I didn’t lose my shame. You lost your dad and sister but what’s that gonna change, you’re a walking martyr of destruction that yearns to feel the pain. I padded our memories in the ground- hoping you would forever sleep. Don’t EVER find your way back to me...For my ghost-like heart is just too weak.  

(I know you said ‘forever’ but you really meant ‘for now.’ If you let me back inside your heart, I’ll kill it somehow...)

-Brandon Defiance

Guillotine Necromancy

Guillotine Necromancy

Pipe organs play in your sedating ways.

The church outside has fell before a murderous craze.

Go back to sleep, my sweet one. 

The crucifix is too deep, for weak ones.

(How long will God let them *whispers* ...stray?)

They died by witchcraft banter that was only aids and cancer.

They pointed at elder creeps and circus freaks...But did not suspect the necromancer.

He walked inside their shadows as the priest prepared the gallows.

The guillotine chopped off screaming heads.The villagers, unaware of the magic it fed.

Necro Man, Necro Man, See. Blinded by the light of what he used to be.

He stitched their heads back on and set the victims free.

With the help of his dark magic, the town would soon be ZOMBIES! 

(...soon be zombies) (...soon be zombies) (...soon be zombies) (...soon be zombies)

The church graveyard was an elevator for unsatisfied souls... 

that crawled and hungered for the flesh of religious mortals.

Guillotine Necromancer. If life is the question. Death is the answer.

He hosts a red masquerade for the dead to dance,takes their beautiful heads,

and participates in a necrophilia romance.

“Play the piano slowly for me. Slide your dead finger across every key.

Bloody lady, my warm heart is beating. So stop with your promiscuous dead girl teasing.

While cradling our daughter’s severed head like treasure, let’s descend in this coffin and disappear forever.”

Necro Man, Necro Man, See. Blinded by the light of Christianity.

His eyes reflected back the flames of alchemy.

He found his wife and daughter but they were dead and rotting...

9/5/12: Without

     Today I went to McDonald's for breakfast. I thought it would be a good morning to sit at the park and eat while the wind wisped through my car windows. As the sun got hotter, I realized I couldn't nap with my carseat reclined back. I was too paranoid that someone would mug me. So right after I ate 2 sausage and biscuits I drove to Mings Chinese Restaurant. It's the first time that I have ever went to a Chinese restaurant alone. I watched each person come in with somebody, a friend or a lover. And I looked across the table at the invisible person that wasn't really sitting before me. I felt really alone and as much as I pretended that my imaginary girlfriend was just getting food up there, I began to feel more ridiculously stupid.

     I watched a man and his young son sit down across from me. His kid wouldn't quit making funny noises while I ate. It was entertaining. The baby wanted to stand beside his dad while he ate. The boy had blonde hair and resembled what I looked like when I was a baby. It made me realize how without I am. I want all of these things. Kids. A Family. A significant other. Success. I could be doing my math homework right now, but I feel that this feeling it too urgent not to write down.

     Life is really hard, and just yesterday I said to myself that I wouldn't reproduce a kid that would be teased and feel alone as I have felt, but maybe things can be different. Maybe I could help guide a kid, my kid, and be its best friend. If I'm going to continue living, it would help fill the void in my heart to feel needed. I've just always wanted to feel needed and wanted in a place where I could belong in society. Some of the people around me still don't get it. Brandon chases after the things that he wants and if he hasn't started the chase he most likely never will. Everything in my life is achieved through feelings and if feelings didn't lead me to a part in my life, I'm on the wrong path. Nothing is forced with me. I will wait until eternity to to get the things I want in the ways I want to acquire them. I don't settle for anyting less than what I think that I deserve. That's why I've been single for a year. I would just rather feel without...

                                                                                                                                                                              

-Brandon Defiance

Red Rum (Dead!)

RED RUM (DEAD!)

I’m the last one that you would save. Motives as sick as the bubonic plague. Come with me, I will rot your brains like cyanide-dipped candy canes.

Meth-needle candy apples were a hit at the core. Want any more confessions, priest? I have ten fucking more. While you were sleeping- counting sheep up in your ‘holy’ bed, I remodeled your house of worship as my CARNIVAL FOR THE LIVING DEAD...(Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead.)

Pop a balloon, infected blood will splash in the wound. Spin the prize wheel, hear the victim squealing for something relieving. Death, the escape for a hostage in pain. Love, the willing rape of a lion who’s been tamed.. Suffocation, a vacation from this biblical mess, let’s put the anguished ones’ souls to rest....

The Clown: “So remember the front row, Andy and his abusive mum? Well, I believe that Mrs. Parker is dead and gone!”

The Priest: “...What did you do to her!!?” ...*Long, devastating scream*

The Clown: “Well, she is Dead, Dead, Dead. She is Dead, Already. Dead, Dead, Dead, She is Dead, Already. We’re stupid and dumb and we like to have fun, so surrender your lips and sip my red rum...My red rum...(Murder)...My red rum....”

The house of God encased in flesh. A pornographic twisted mess. Human limbs stretched backwards just to test what perversions the human stomach can digest. 

The Clown: "And you would love to play the game, but fuck it, you are all the same. And all the same and all the same and, Fuck it, you are all the same and all the same and all the same and... I have laid out the road to hell for you, babe. These visions are too haunting for even Jesus to save. Lay down your book and be my personal slave, I’ll let your mother live, if you behave.”


The Priest: “Talk to me, mutter!!!”

The Clown: “Well, she is Dead, Dead, Dead. She is Dead, Already. Dead, Dead, Dead, She is Dead, Already. We’re stupid and dumb and we like to have fun, so surrender your lips and sip my red rum...My red rum. (Murder)...We’re stupid and dumb and we like to have fun so surrender your lips and sip my red rum...(Murder)...My red rum...(Murder)...My red rum...”

A Dip into the Abyss

“If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” 
-Friedrich Nietzsche


A Dip into the Abyss

Hills of used needles pile by my feet. I’ve been awake for too long and I cannot sleep. I tried to distort this bitter reality. I gazed into the water, but I didn’t see me. “One last kiss” the vampires hissed as they caressed down my neck- with foreign lips my blood they sipped like horny insects.
For leaving behind this tortured life had become my ever-dying wish. I knew I was about to take- a dip into the abyss.

So let’s drink to a hellish world that made this shell of a man. And why these years have left me, I will never understand. My vision began to blacken as I drank its water with these worn-out hands. A voice rumbled inside of me, “Come right in, faithless human...Rather be in here than out there in that age of confusion, where your life is one riddle with no subtle conclusion. While gazing in my dark ripples, I felt that you were losing, so drown deeply into my hallucinogen (narcotic of illusion).”

While reviewing my past life before the black reflection of this pool, that voice could have been deception trying to play me as a fool. But it’s too late for me to turn around and be punished as a mortal. I will take you up on your proposition, sir, inside this oblivious portal. So say goodbye to a God that has never appeared. So say goodbye to a devil that I never feared. Why be frightened of monsters creeping underneath your bed when all the real monsters are tucked away inside your head?

Skeletons of yesterday’s acquaintances are all that remain. This ravenous beast has long been unchained. The witch’s spell has been erased in all my memories, and now I use her suffering as a means of artillery. I’ve been fed the acidic taste of your regret and now its time to spit it- where it belongs. The muses conceal the bruises. Belongingness is a permanence. So I would be concerned about your existence, cry-st or saint-an. No one has appreciated life without being impaled by the thorns of  the iron maiden.



                -Brandon Defiance

Picture Perfect Organisms

Picture Perfect Organisms

Picture-perfect friends, help me out. I’m having a break down. Break, break, break, break their fucking hands off- they would love to touch something artificially nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing worth all of this? Nothing worth all you? Trapped in a fucking bliss. I would love to haunt you. I would love to ‘become’ you. Let’s take a perfect picture, friends. Shake the Polaroid, let the faded colors seep in. I would love to remember something that we couldn’t forget and that smile that never wasn’t. Wasn’t, Wasn’t your whole life a mistake? Wasn’t Wasn’t Wasn’t your family ashamed? The drugs helped conceive you, love was the disguise- that hid all the truths and the untold lies. Hand me a pill that I would love to crush up and snort the powder to get the rush. Rushing, Rushing, Rushing into a life, a trap? Love is the deception, and you can’t get out. (And you can’t get out.) 


Read the twisted bible, continue the cycle and name the mistake, watch your kid walk down the halls while the picture-perfects annihilate, everything that you made him become. Come, Come, Come, Come to the kid’s funeral. He’s been dead inside and he isn’t tamed. And his body crawls for another’s brain...Brain!...Brain!...Your anatomy is inevitably flawed. As I feed the stomach, this demanding organism, I can feel them judging it, I think I’m with them. Apply the makeup cause you're already fucked up. Gene-splicing for puzzle-makers. I have tickets for my downfall, any takers? Scientists try to recreate love from a cell, but  I can already  tell you you’re gonna burn in hell, if you stay in this town. If you stay in this town, you’ll at least burn in heaven. I have one ticket to win it and one ticket to end it. Your insufficient to this place. Unnoticeable and forgettable to most, but you have a pretty face. Write the stories they will never read, it keeps you stable, even though your will to live is weak..