Today I went to McDonald's for breakfast. I thought it would be a good morning to sit at the park and eat while the wind wisped through my car windows. As the sun got hotter, I realized I couldn't nap with my carseat reclined back. I was too paranoid that someone would mug me. So right after I ate 2 sausage and biscuits I drove to Mings Chinese Restaurant. It's the first time that I have ever went to a Chinese restaurant alone. I watched each person come in with somebody, a friend or a lover. And I looked across the table at the invisible person that wasn't really sitting before me. I felt really alone and as much as I pretended that my imaginary girlfriend was just getting food up there, I began to feel more ridiculously stupid.
I watched a man and his young son sit down across from me. His kid wouldn't quit making funny noises while I ate. It was entertaining. The baby wanted to stand beside his dad while he ate. The boy had blonde hair and resembled what I looked like when I was a baby. It made me realize how without I am. I want all of these things. Kids. A Family. A significant other. Success. I could be doing my math homework right now, but I feel that this feeling it too urgent not to write down.
Life is really hard, and just yesterday I said to myself that I wouldn't reproduce a kid that would be teased and feel alone as I have felt, but maybe things can be different. Maybe I could help guide a kid, my kid, and be its best friend. If I'm going to continue living, it would help fill the void in my heart to feel needed. I've just always wanted to feel needed and wanted in a place where I could belong in society. Some of the people around me still don't get it. Brandon chases after the things that he wants and if he hasn't started the chase he most likely never will. Everything in my life is achieved through feelings and if feelings didn't lead me to a part in my life, I'm on the wrong path. Nothing is forced with me. I will wait until eternity to to get the things I want in the ways I want to acquire them. I don't settle for anyting less than what I think that I deserve. That's why I've been single for a year. I would just rather feel without...
-Brandon Defiance
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