Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Cluttered (Short Story)

Another short story that is almost a kissing cousin to the last. It is not a direct sequel to Ella Cinders, but occurs in the same neighborhood with some of the events effecting the character's lives in the story.
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Cluttered
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            I sat there for what seemed like eternity listening to one of the babies that shared my room cry. I was the oldest kid living in the orphanage, so it was my responsibility to shut them up while the caretakers slept for the night. It’s the least I could do since they put food in my mouth and a roof over my head. But nobody knew that inside I too was crying.
            My mind was cluttered with broken memories of the past. My brain has tried to repress pieces of that night, but I still remember how the heat singing my skin felt as the firefighters pulled me out. What is strange about house fires is that nobody knows what sets them off. They are usually obscured in mystery. Religious fanatics sometimes blame fires on Satan, while firefighters usually blame them on electrical wiring. But no one could place the blame that night on why several houses down my street lit up the wintry neighborhood.
            I remember watching snowflakes fall through the foggy police car windows taking me to my next destination. I was too young to understand that my parents were really gone - their absence helped me start to remember how I spent last Christmas: eating with family and playing with my cousins. And now I sit rocking a baby to sleep in my arms at the orphanage. It’s Christmas again and I’m glad that these babies have someone taking care of them, but babies are too young to understand the meaning of Christmas. I wish I was a baby and meaning did not exist. There are many people that don’t have families like Ms. Helga down the street. Perhaps I should go see her and wish her a Merry Christmas. I knew too well how it felt to spend Christmas alone.
            Once the baby shut its eyes in a deep sleep, I laid it back down and covered it up warmly beneath its blanket. I took my jacket from my closet and put it on. I slid my feet into my snow boots and laced them up tightly. Every time I sneak out of the orphanage I strategically think like a ninja; I quietly sneaked downstairs without putting much weight on either foot to prevent from making the wooden planks squeak. I unlocked the door and I was free at last. A sheet of ice paved the sidewalk and I scooted myself half the way down the street. Snow flurries wisped past my face like small puffs of clouds. Before I knew it I was looking up at Ms. Helga’s house covered in a layer of snow.
            I left a thick trail of footprints behind me as I waded into her yard. I climbed up the icy steps of her porch and was soon facing her faded front door. It had been a few weeks since the last time I visited Ms. Helga. I knocked on her door but received no response. As I began to turn around I heard her muffled voice yell from somewhere in her house. “Who is it?”
            I yelled through the door. “It’s me Elliot.”
            “Come on in.”
             I turned the rusty handle and pushed the door in. The door wouldn’t budge more than a few feet so I sucked my belly in to fit through the crack. Once inside, I immediately smelt a strong musky scent filling the air. I looked behind the door and noticed a mountain of trash bags pushing against the back. The bags were filled with clothes and the floor was covered with her belongings. With each step that I took, I waded into a universe that was far different from the clean one I was use to at the Orphanage. Most things that I stepped on broke beneath the weight of my feet. She had obviously bought more stuff since the last time I was here.
            Ms. Helga was a high-class hoarder. She didn’t treasure things like McDonald french fry boxes and hamburger wrappers. Ms. Helga and I ran a trading business between one another. She had a very specific taste for items that are out there in society; I go fetch them and she rewards me greatly. Doing business with her helps me get back some of the toys that I lost in the house fire.
            Ms. Helga Dupree was a poor old lady and I sympathized for her, but in her delusional world she is rich as a queen. All of the items paving her floor were considered her treasure. She found most of her treasures by dumpster diving and extreme yard saling. Everything she owned seemed to complete her as a person. Her walls were filled with shelves that sat things like antique plates, carnival glass candy dishes, porcelain dolls, and Toby mugs.
            As I swam through her dank, populated world she harked out from her bedroom at the end of the hallway. “Elliott, what is taking you so long, darling?”
            I yelled back, “Hush, I’m coming!”
            The only way to reach her bedroom was to crawl over a mountain of treasure that towered up to the hallway ceiling. The hardest part of climbing up this hill was to grab onto something stable and not get cut by something sharp sticking out. I looked up and eyed the light fixture hanging down from the ceiling; this object was like my arch nemesis. There had been many times that this thing has whopped me in the head as I was trying to make it over.
            Ms. Helga hollered out again. “Just crawl over, dear!”
            “That’s easier said than done.”
            “What was that?”
            “Nothing.”
            “I could have sword you said something unless I’m losing my mind.”
            “I said mountain climbing is fun.”
            I looked down at the base of the pile and saw a gardening glove wedged between the head of a rocking horse and the end of a baseball bat. I put the glove on my right hand and used it to swim up the sea of junk. My feet began breaking plastic things like the board to the Hungry Hungry Hippo game. I grabbed a hold of the legs of a wooden chair buried beneath the junk and used them to help catapult me over to the very top.
            Once I was on top of the mountain, I scooted my butt across, quickly dodging the infamous light fixture. Conveniently enough, there was a snow sled sticking out and I rode it down the other side of the pile. I landed comfortably on the cushion of Ms. Helga’s bed.
            Ms. Helga was sitting at the end of the bed. Her hair looked unwashed and frizzy like the last time I saw her. She looked up at me with her hazel eyes and started laughing. She said, “Glad for you to pop in, Mister Elliot.”
            “It’s not funny. I could have killed myself.”
            “Well, you’re alive. What sort of treasure would you have for me today?”
            She was expecting for me to have one of the many items that she has been looking so she could reward me with a toy from my past. It seemed like Ms. Helga’s house had a little bit of everything housed inside its walls. I replied to her, “I am just here to wish you a Merry Christmas. That’s all.”
            For the first time I think I saw sincerity in her eyes. She said, “I was just thinking about you a moment ago.” She got up from her bed and strategically walked across the room without breaking any of her treasures. Even though most people could not navigate through her messy house she had it figured out. She came back with a rectangular package that was gift-wrapped in metallic red paper.  The paper was taped and folded with perfection around the sides of the box. A streaming, bright green bow was placed on the top.
            She lightly sat the package in my lap. She said, “This is yours, Elliot. Merry Christmas.”
            It warmed my heart to see that she thought of me. Beneath the green bow I saw a nametag that had familiar writing on it; it said, “To: Elliot”. I got a good hold of the wrapping paper and began tearing it to shreds. Pieces of the red metallic paper fell to the ground. The gift was a Ninja Turtle van still in its box like it had just been taken off the store shelves from the 80s.  This was the present I was supposed to get from Santa Clause on the Christmas that they died. This jogged a forgotten memory – the memory of the Christmas before I lost them.
            I remembered the Christmas tree blinking in the middle of the living room while family members entered the front door. They were there for mom’s unforgettable Christmas dinners. I remembered smelling the overwhelming scent of apple cider luring people into the kitchen.
            I sat in the floor with my cousins playing with my new Ninja Turtle toys I had just got from family gifts. I looked across the living room and that’s when I saw her cutting up with mom on the sofa. Her hazel eyes stared into mom’s eyes. Her hair wasn’t unwashed and it wasn’t frizzy like it is now; it was curly with a hint of auburn. Her face was free from the wrinkles that scarred her now.
            She quit laughing and cut a strange look toward me. All of a sudden the record player sitting on the skirt of the Christmas tree began playing the sleigh ride jingle. I watched its needle drag across the ridges of the bouncing record. It played, “Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling too. Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you…”
            I snapped out of the memory and Ms. Helga was up in my face breathing her rancid breath on my neck. I screamed at her. I said, “Who are you Ms. Helga and how do you have all the toys from my past?”
            Ms. Helga’s eyes became wide. She asked, “What’s wrong, dear? Do you not like your gift?
            “Yeah, I like it, but I no longer think it’s a coincidence that you have all of my old toys just lying around your house.”
            “I grabbed what I could that was not blackened or melted by the flames.”
            At that moment I realized that she was referring to the house fire. I said, “I remember your face, but time has not aged you well.” Ms. Helga made a shocked face. I added, “I don’t fully remember who you are.”
            “It’s better off that way, Elliot. I was a bit more functional before your mother’s death. It’s like the fires that your dad fought in the day got them while they were asleep.”
            “My dad was a firefighter?”
            “He was the fire chief. Dousing flames was his purpose in life. It excited him, but most of all, it rewarded him when he would save people from them.”
            “Ms. Helga, why have you been playing games with me? You have been enabling my behavior. I just turned fourteen. It’s abnormal for me to want to play with kid’s toys.”
            “It’s been helping you, Elliot. It’s been helping us both.”
            “What do you mean?”
            “You are no different than me, Elliot. We make these trades with one another because we are so much alike. You trade to get the old toys from your past. It brings you somehow closer to your parents, does it not? I get my treasure and you get yours.”
            “What do you know about the fire?”
            “I know that your family was targets of the great fire. An arsonist lit up the homes of the city’s top firefighters. A delinquent boy dressed as a woman. He burned down his parent’s and pastor’s houses before targeting people in his hometown. He hid out for months and planned his wave of attacks. They said that he was the product of mental and physical abuse. The newspaper referred to him as Ella Cinders. He thought he was a dark Cinderella and could purge this world of evil and rekindle it anew.”
            “Where is he now?  I want to show him what I’ve lost.”
            “No, Elliot. Vengeance is what burned in his heart. I don’t want it to catch to yours.”
            “You have to stop this, Ms. Helga. You are burying yourself in mountains of collectibles, but you cannot recollect what the meaning of life is. Everything in this world shares value and meaning. You are sick to think that another piece of treasure is going to make you any richer. This is meaningless.”

            At that moment I realized that she just wanted to protect me from the horrors of the world. There was nothing I could say to her to sway her from her ways. She couldn’t save herself from the world so she hid behind mountains of her treasures. It gave her meaning and purpose. Deep inside her mind she thought she was a queen living in a castle. I was probably one of her loyal subjects. If this illusion was how she coped, I was not going to take that away from her. They say that your house is a mental representation of your mind; it is no wonder that both mine and hers was cluttered. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Ella Cinders (Short Story)


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Ella Cinders
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           There is something wrong with me that one cannot see just by a glance. At the core of my being, something wasn’t right when I was born. My biological mom left me with dad and that jezebel he married, but that was only the start of my predicament. Right now those people called my parents are sitting in front of the television watching Wheel of Fortune.  I can hear the host saying, “Spin that wheel!” through the hollow walls of my room. I’m about to spin their wheel, alright.
            So, everyone knows me as Jack. I’m a lanky teenager boy that wears dreary colors and listens to metal music. I’m a bit of a science nerd and I collect many samples of insects in my spare time. One of my favorites would be the butterfly because of its complexity in its metamorphosis stages. I only have one friend, which happens to be the preacher’s son. I think that Tanner is only my friend because the lord would make him feel convicted if he backed out now. We have been friends since we were kids. Without him I would be more alone than I am now.
            Well, today is the day. I’m going to walk out there and tell dad the truth. He might disown me as a son and might try to kick me out of the house, but I don’t care. I can’t live like this anymore. He has too many expectations of me. He wants me to follow in his footsteps and become the popular football player that scores with all the chicks, but that isn’t going to happen. One day God will let Tanner see that we are suppose to be together. It already feels like we are dating, if he would just commit to the physical aspect of it I would feel complete.
            I walked out of my room to find my parents arguing over which letter the contestant should pick on Wheel of Fortune. I sat down on the sofa beside them to wait for the commercial. I looked over at my dad with my stepmom cuddled in his arms. She appeared to think she was the queen of the castle while she was in his embrace. I hate that bitch. She has manipulated my dad to the point that he follows orders from her. She is just a parasite that sucks him mentally, physically, and financially.
             I was trying to decide the right wording in my mind, but there were no words to soften the blow. My lips started to form the first word of the sentence. Here it goes. The idea left my mind and was being expressed into actions. I blurted out, “Dad, I’m gay.”
            Like a redneck from hell, he cut me the meanest look and replied, “You’re what?”
            His quick reaction made me feel like a deer in the headlights of a car. I don’t like being in this position. I felt like Bambi’s mom not going to make it to the sequel. I felt like roadkill all because my dad was a bigot. He was not open to people different from him being able to excel in this world. They needed to fall because this was his country. He was here first. His ancestors rode in on the Mayflower and he believed everyone else’s did not. His ancestors knew how to defend camp.
            I stood my ground though. I felt empowered and free like an Indian about to attack Christopher Columbus. I said, “You heard me. I’m gay.” Even though I said it with a serious face, the words made me smirk on the inside. Maybe I was smirking because the hard part was over. I felt the eyes of judgment pass over me as the gears in his head ticked.
            He looked over at my stepmom confused. He asked me, “What do you mean you’re gay?”
            His question stupefied me. I clarified it to him in the simplest form imaginable for inbred bastards like himself. I spaced out my words when I said, “I…like…boys.”  
            My stepmom looked up into his serious face and said, “I think he’s joking, Sam.” She belted out in laughter and then dad slowly followed. The gaping holes of their mouth looked like black holes that could suck up the entire planet, but the gravity of the situation was real for me. I imagined that I could see the uvula in their throats swinging from side to side.  How disgusting, I know.
             The more they laughed, the more I realized that I was the butt of their joke. It was as if there was something funny about the demon living inside of me – the one that has been taunting me to kill myself for the past several years. My parents do not know that I tried hanging myself last week in the woods. My parents do not know that I drank a cap of bleach, thinking it would eat out my insides. My parents don’t know that my driving accident was intentional. I tried to hit that deer. That was the real ending of Bambi’s mom.
            At the core of my being I felt like a fuck up, like I was born with the wrong set of genes. Or God was laughing when I came out, knowing I wouldn’t fit into the social norm. Well dad, you have it. Your good parenting skills mixed with mom’s genes created the little girl you always wanted, your own Cinderella. The only thing that is missing is some mice friends, and I saw them trying to make contact with me while I was eating supper. My life is like Cinderella’s. My stepmother is a bitch. I get treated like a slave. I just wish I had some magic like that fairy godmother bitch.
            After my parents stopped laughing, dad mocked my coming out process. He said, “Awww, my little princess.” He still thought I was joking.
            Dad’s bitch said, “I’m gonna have a little step daughter.”
Them not taking me seriously infuriated me. I felt like Mount Vesuvius and I exploded. I said, “It’s not a joke! I like penis!” My words echoed over Wheel of Fortune which just came back on. I know what I said was a little extreme but it was the only thing I could say to get my point across.
Well, that did it. Dad was going to kick my ass. Everything he did to build me up into his masculine, football player son evaporated in his head. He balled up his fist and smacked me across my face like a cheap whore. Without any seconds spared, his ginormous hands tightened around my neck and began choking me. I desperately gasped for air while kicking him in the stomach. He grabbed me by the leg and aggressively threw me off into the floor. He pressed his hand on the back of my neck and forced my face into the dirty carpet. He was becoming the bully that he was in high school.
My stepmom came in holding a belt at the wrong end. She started violently slashing at my back with the buckle. The sharp tooth on the buckle ripped through my skin. I felt like Jesus of Nazareth being whipped for crucifixion. I felt cold tears rolling down my eyelids. I yelled at them trying to knock some sense in their skulls. I said, “What is wrong with you people?”
My dad got inches away from my face and yelled back with a bucket of spit leaving his mouth. He asked, “What is wrong with you, faggot!?”
I asked, “Why would you do this to your son?”
“Why would you do this to me? A son is someone who will one day grow into a man. ”
My stepmom got in my face preaching the word of the lord. She said, “God will end you, my son. If you have made the devil your father, we have every right to throw stones at you. Your father hurts you not because he hates you, but because he loves you.”
After those words left her mouth, my dad began pounding on my face, but I did not feel the love that my step mom spoke of. A punch to the lip made my teeth cut into my gum. A pool of blood flowed over my lip and dripped down the arch of my chin. He punched me in the eye, leaving my head throbbing with a pounding sensation.
He paused and said, “I’m gonna let you rethink the queer thing, son. While you’re crawling on the ground like a woman, this is what it feels like to be lesser than a man.” He delivered one last blow across the crown of my head. I was out like a light.
The lights of the living room dimmed and quickly shut off like a lightning storm attacked the electricity. I was all alone in a dark, oblivious space in my subconscious. My body was trembling like I was out in the middle of a snow storm. I could see a close radius of the area around me. I fell to the floor and noticed there were several inches of snow dusting the ground. Or I thought it was snow. My nose curiously sniffed at the powdered dust and I accidently sucked it up. There was a stinging feeling on its way up, but a few seconds later there was a burning sensation dripping down my throat.
Out of the darkness a hand quickly grabbed my leg. The warmth of the hand felt good, but the touch felt wrong on so many levels. I looked over and the hand disappeared into the nothingness.
I crawled in the snow cocaine for a few moments and found a glassy floor of ice. I could not see my reflection, but I saw a shadow projected beneath me as I held myself up. I knew it was not my shadow because it moved when I did not.
The shadow spoke in a distorted, boyish voice. It asked, “Are you okay, Jack?”
I was dumbfounded on whether or not to talk back to the patch of ice. I didn’t reply back because it was going to make me feel crazy. I knew this was just a dream, and I am creating this illusion by projecting my desires and fears.
The voice asked, “What do you fear?”
Oh no, it’s reading my thoughts. This isn’t good. Out of nowhere that hand grabbed my leg again. Every time the hand touched me, it felt like I was remembering something; something that I repressed in the labyrinth of my mind.
The voice asked, “Would you mind if I showed you the way?”
“It doesn’t matter. This is just a dream anyway.”
“But sometimes your dreams are a reflection of your inner desires, like the cocaine dusting the floor.”
I shook my head. I asked, “What does this have to do with coke?”
“Cocaine was going to be your escape from it all. Now your body has entered a state of recovery, and I’m here for your survival.”
“Why should I survive?” I added, “I hate myself.”
“You should try metamorphosis like your insects. You could always change into the insect that you wanted to become. You have a choice in this world like all the other shadows roaming. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You belong.”
“I already tried killing myself.”
“Jack, you are already dying like all of them. Insects like you are attracted to the flame. The candle is slowly burning. Once it blows out, your shadow will be absorbed into the darkness of nothingness.”
The shadow beneath my body revealed a boy. I looked into the face and realized it was my best friend Tanner. His eyes were shut like he was sleeping. Then the hand returned back from the darkness. It aggressively grabbed my leg. A man’s voice whispered in my ear, “Shhhhhh. Don’t move or you’ll wake him.”
My stomach turned and I got that sick feeling when one eats a bad hotdog. I wanted to puke. I remembered being young. It was the last night I spent over Tanner’s house. I woke up to his dad touching my leg from the floor. His hand went under my pants and massaged my muscles. His eyes looked at me in a way that they never did in church service. I wanted to scream but was too afraid. I remembered my body shaking like I was going into a convulsion. Tanner’s dad’s voice echoed in my mind once again. It said, “Shhhhhh. Don’t move or you’ll wake him.” What he was doing to me felt like the temptation he spoke about from Genesis in the Garden of Eden. It felt wrong on so many levels. I didn’t know what to do.
I could no longer see the ice below me. Everything was swallowed into the darkness. I felt the ominous feeling that I was back in Tanner’s bedroom on that night.
The distorted boy voice spoke again. It asked, “Do you choose to live or die?”
I screamed out, “Get out of my head!”
“I am your head, silly. The neurons in your brain finally fired at the right second and pushed out this repressed memory.”
“This was better left forgotten. I coped better that way.”
“You tried to kill yourself last week. You’re not proving anything to me, Jack. As you said before, your desires and fears helped create this dream. I am just here to write the instructions to your thoughts.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m your brain, stupid.”
A bright light radiated behind my eyelids. I knew that I was no longer under the power of my overdramatic, talking brain. I opened my eyes from the dream and stared at the morning sun pouring through the living room windows. My parents had left me unconscious on the floor all night like any responsible parents would. They had already left for work.
A throbbing headache surfaced. Stop it brain, you already caused enough trouble for one day. I stood up with my face aching like I had just fell from the ugly tree and broke every branch going down. I walked into the bathroom only to see my hideous reflection in the mirror. My face was marked up with bruises. I had two black eyes, and my bottom lip was swollen.
I looked down on the countertop and saw a bottle of my stepmom’s concealer and foundation. I knew what these things were but never had any desire to use them. I first dabbed the concealer around my black eyes and rubbed it in with a sponge. I did the same with the foundation and evened out my skin color. My complexion was starting to look flawless and it hid all the bruises perfectly.
I turned my bathroom radio on and looked at myself in the mirror, reflecting on my thoughts. Marilyn Manson’s cover of Sweet Dreams came on the radio. The distinct guitar riff started and Manson’s raspy voice followed, “Sweet dreams are made of these…”
I felt very dark in the moment, like I was about to do something destructive. I thought to myself, “Metamorphosis. I could change like any ‘ol insect.” I picked up one of my stepmom’s sticks of red lipstick and rubbed it over my puffed lips. I picked up an eyeliner pencil and rubbed it across the bottom lids of my eyes. Across from the sink was a case of Halloween contacts I had from the previous year. They were an icy blue color. I unscrewed the lid and dipped my finger into the solution. With the contacts on the end of my finger I placed them into my eyes. I looked back into the mirror and noticed that I looked like a completely different person, but something was missing.
I remembered that my tramp stepmother had a red wig beneath the sink. I carefully placed it on my head and was looking more like a girl by the second. I turned around and saw one of her silky red bathrobes hanging on a hook of the door. I put it on and it fit comfortably. I walked into my parent’s room and squeezed my feet into a pair of her elegant high heels. They fit a little tight, but they would do for now. I wasn’t supposed to be a boy in this life. God made me with the wrong parts when I was on the assembly line.
I picked up a lighter on the living room coffee table and struck it a few times. The more I did it, the more powerful I began feeling. I tore the metal guard off the cheap cigarette lighter to make the flame rise higher. “Insects like me are attracted to the flame.” I thought to myself. I picked up a pack of dad’s Marlboro cigarettes and slid one out of the pack. I lit the end with the long flame of the lighter and held it between my lips. I walked out into the garage and unscrewed the cap to dad’s full gas can. While holding onto the handle, I poured a river of gasoline behind me.
In my high heels I carefully planned my steps as I walked off the porch and into the yard. I looked at the yellow river of gasoline flowing behind me. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and said, “My fairy godmother magic.” I threw the cigarette down and watched the river ignite into waving flames. It took a few minutes, but the house started flaming up quickly as I walked down the street. I glanced back and was enthralled at seeing the black smoke and hellish fire pouring from the windows. I could feel a demented smile stretched across my face. I laughed as I imagined what my parent’s faces might look like when they got home from their minimum-wage-paying jobs.
Meanwhile, I was on a mission. With the gas can in hand, I walked down the street to Tanner’s house. I felt that I wanted some answers from his dad, the preacher. I just wanted to know what he was thinking that night several years ago since he knew his scriptures so well. I think that night made me question my sexuality and contributed to why I’m so fucked up today. I wasn’t going to hurt anyone if necessary. I was just going to question his morals and his faith. One of my high school teachers said that there are over three million survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States. Most of the crimes never come to light. Well, I’m not going to be a preacher’s choir boy today. I am not going to be forgotten in the shadows of nothingness.


I am just an insect in this jungle of madness. Some of us will never find our wings to fly.  I might look cute, but I can be deadly. I feel like there is a fire recklessly burning inside my heart. I will purge this horrible world with fire and make it become anew. My enemies’ blood will be my nectar. Jack is dead. At some point we will all have to change to survive. Boy, Tanner is gonna flip out when he sees me ringing his doorbell.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Life Update 6/18/15

Life Update 6/18/15




     Well this is it, an open invitation to the clouded window of my mind. After graduating MTSU, I currently can't find a decent job or one that benefits from my degree. I get so upset just trying to look for something because I know my efforts are going to be hopeless. Because a bachelor's in Psychology doesn't open any good jobs, I am forced to look in other fields. I should have knew this was going to happen. I feel that some places will not hire me because they feel that I am overqualified. Now I am contemplating if my six-year college career was just to test my sanity, like God is somewhere laughing at all the stuff I've overcome right now. I feel like a lady bug that circles the rim of a glass and thinks it is going big places but going nowhere at all.

     Was school just a test? Because I am tired of being tested. I feel that people really do live by the evolutionary phrase, "survival of the fittess." I only see people as living for themselves, seeking their own personal, financial, sexual and spiritual gain over the next person. Survival of the fittest. I am very weak. As I write this, my mind is trying to recuperate by retreating to self-made fantasies. 
  

     Last summer I met a very special person in my life at a time that I didn't believe that legitimate people still existed. I was on a very dark road in my life and that road occasionally tries to wind back to me; a road of hopelessness, persuasive suicidal thoughts, sinful vices, battles with God and ultimate inner-destruction. I often catch myself questioning the survival of humanity just by watching how suicidal people drive in Murfreesboro.
    

     In the first month of meeting Mikey, I felt that there was no necessary reason to go further in school; to me, I had finally found happiness. I had been trying to find happiness in academic success and it briefly worked. I'm really not a smart guy. I honestly have a slow thought process. Now, Mikey needs my help with bills. I have been there for him every step of the way emotionally and supported him in every way that I can. But I wish that I could opt out of reality right now so I don't have to be there to disappoint him. I wish I could reverse time back a few years ago when I had 14k laying around.


     Disappointment. Something I have did a lot of since my last journal entry. Each new day, a person finds out about my sexual preference and labels me in the convenient labeling file cabinet of their minds. My personal life is not a joke and is not gossip for anyone's twisted satisfaction. I am not a "gay" person and don't fit into your contagious stereotypical file system. I am just a person, not your "gay" friend, "gay" nephew, "gay" son or "gay" grandson. You might think you know how I feel, but until you truly live it, you are only left to imagine and the imagination is limited.


     Coming out to my family was a struggle. But I never actually got to come out. A family member who I used to confide in outted me as a sick way to get some satisfaction. (But if you ever read this, I want you to know that you helped me more than you will ever know.) As for my family's reaction, it started off as denial, misunderstanding, sadness and quickly rose to anger. They didn't know what they were feeling, but all they could think of is what everyone else would think if they found out. My book signing was not a happy time about me, my parent's made it about them and their reputation if anyone found out that Mikey was my lover sitting at the end of the signing table. My parents will always take up for me, but there is many things that they don't understand. I didn't choose this, I only chose to accept it so I could live.

     To close out this entry, I want to touch base with you about three things. One, I honestly haven't promoted the novel since the book signing and only close-friends and family know about its existence. I hope that one day I can start my second novel, Infinity Doorway, back up because it's halfway completed. The only thing is- I haven't been inspired to write in a long time and don't have the will right now. Two, I am now at 260 pounds and don't have the will to exercise. I would like to replace meals with fruit smoothies or something. Mikey is the only reason why I don't feel fully unfortunate about it. Three, I have been making youtube videos like I told everyone I would years ago. (www.youtube.com/brandondefiance) I want to start making videos on a regular basis because it makes me happy. The only part I'm trying to get over is hearing my voice talk on a video. I hate my country voice. That is it. And I just hope my next update is filled with more uplifting news!