Life Update 6/18/15
Well this is it, an open invitation to the clouded window of my mind. After graduating MTSU, I currently can't find a decent job or one that benefits from my degree. I get so upset just trying to look for something because I know my efforts are going to be hopeless. Because a bachelor's in Psychology doesn't open any good jobs, I am forced to look in other fields. I should have knew this was going to happen. I feel that some places will not hire me because they feel that I am overqualified. Now I am contemplating if my six-year college career was just to test my sanity, like God is somewhere laughing at all the stuff I've overcome right now. I feel like a lady bug that circles the rim of a glass and thinks it is going big places but going nowhere at all.
Was school just a test? Because I am tired of being tested. I feel that people really do live by the evolutionary phrase, "survival of the fittess." I only see people as living for themselves, seeking their own personal, financial, sexual and spiritual gain over the next person. Survival of the fittest. I am very weak. As I write this, my mind is trying to recuperate by retreating to self-made fantasies.
Last summer I met a very special person in my life at a time that I didn't believe that legitimate people still existed. I was on a very dark road in my life and that road occasionally tries to wind back to me; a road of hopelessness, persuasive suicidal thoughts, sinful vices, battles with God and ultimate inner-destruction. I often catch myself questioning the survival of humanity just by watching how suicidal people drive in Murfreesboro.
In the first month of meeting Mikey, I felt that there was no necessary reason to go further in school; to me, I had finally found happiness. I had been trying to find happiness in academic success and it briefly worked. I'm really not a smart guy. I honestly have a slow thought process. Now, Mikey needs my help with bills. I have been there for him every step of the way emotionally and supported him in every way that I can. But I wish that I could opt out of reality right now so I don't have to be there to disappoint him. I wish I could reverse time back a few years ago when I had 14k laying around.
Disappointment. Something I have did a lot of since my last journal entry. Each new day, a person finds out about my sexual preference and labels me in the convenient labeling file cabinet of their minds. My personal life is not a joke and is not gossip for anyone's twisted satisfaction. I am not a "gay" person and don't fit into your contagious stereotypical file system. I am just a person, not your "gay" friend, "gay" nephew, "gay" son or "gay" grandson. You might think you know how I feel, but until you truly live it, you are only left to imagine and the imagination is limited.
Coming out to my family was a struggle. But I never actually got to come out. A family member who I used to confide in outted me as a sick way to get some satisfaction. (But if you ever read this, I want you to know that you helped me more than you will ever know.) As for my family's reaction, it started off as denial, misunderstanding, sadness and quickly rose to anger. They didn't know what they were feeling, but all they could think of is what everyone else would think if they found out. My book signing was not a happy time about me, my parent's made it about them and their reputation if anyone found out that Mikey was my lover sitting at the end of the signing table. My parents will always take up for me, but there is many things that they don't understand. I didn't choose this, I only chose to accept it so I could live.
To close out this entry, I want to touch base with you about three things. One, I honestly haven't promoted the novel since the book signing and only close-friends and family know about its existence. I hope that one day I can start my second novel, Infinity Doorway, back up because it's halfway completed. The only thing is- I haven't been inspired to write in a long time and don't have the will right now. Two, I am now at 260 pounds and don't have the will to exercise. I would like to replace meals with fruit smoothies or something. Mikey is the only reason why I don't feel fully unfortunate about it. Three, I have been making youtube videos like I told everyone I would years ago. (www.youtube.com/brandondefiance) I want to start making videos on a regular basis because it makes me happy. The only part I'm trying to get over is hearing my voice talk on a video. I hate my country voice. That is it. And I just hope my next update is filled with more uplifting news!
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