Ever since I was born I had a hatred in my heart, not sure what for, but it burned. I’ve had hatred for so many things in my life: humanity and myself. As an innocent child with blue eyes, I could never have prepared myself for the true reality of it all. The adults that spoke down to me with a soft voice back then are now the same ones trying to rape me: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in adulthood. I wish I was naive and unaware again. But hate, I only hated myself because I thought I was a curse from God sent here to suffer for humanity. But I don’t think I’m a truly hateful person or hoping that it doesn’t identify who I am or how you see me. This hatred is reserved for humanity as a whole. It won’t let me live the way that I would like to. When I go to a mall, for example, I just see dishonest people in the middle aisles trying to sell their problems to me. I look at them and see business numbers and quotas behind their kind demeanor and smiles; I see corporate america slashing at their backs with cracking whips. When I drive down the road and see cars pulling up at the local loan establishment, all I can see is Satan. He is there, dipping his foot in the stream of this person’s life and poisoning their family’s water supply. When I’m in a busy Walmart parking lot on Sunday, right before church hours, a woman stops traffic to walk toward my vehicle, I say to myself, why is natural selection working so slowly? Not just for her, but for me, one who harbors hatred in his heart.
If I ever let you see with my eyes and feel with my heart, you would run away screaming. Every new day is a job for me, I wake up and battle with myself. I battle my counterproductive brain and all it won’t let me forget. You, him, her. It doesn’t stop. A flickering slideshow of dead memories. The only time I am truly happy is when I’m around him and my dog. Many of my family are dealing with their own versions of hell. They cannot see me through the clearing of the flames. When it rains I am happy, it calms everything down. Helps me forget a little. When a lightning storm rumbles the ground outside it matches the destruction in my heart, sounding as if its destroying the earth around me. And here I am, full-circle, back to the hatred that I was born with - that hatred inside my heart.
- Brandon Defiance
If I ever let you see with my eyes and feel with my heart, you would run away screaming. Every new day is a job for me, I wake up and battle with myself. I battle my counterproductive brain and all it won’t let me forget. You, him, her. It doesn’t stop. A flickering slideshow of dead memories. The only time I am truly happy is when I’m around him and my dog. Many of my family are dealing with their own versions of hell. They cannot see me through the clearing of the flames. When it rains I am happy, it calms everything down. Helps me forget a little. When a lightning storm rumbles the ground outside it matches the destruction in my heart, sounding as if its destroying the earth around me. And here I am, full-circle, back to the hatred that I was born with - that hatred inside my heart.
- Brandon Defiance
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